Talk therapy in conjunction with medication has really done wonders for me. I started seeing a therapist at the end of February and was doing 2 sessions a week because I was motivated to find a balance in life and I knew that if I didn’t find that balance that I wouldn’t be able to keep going for much longer. Things had gotten that bad for me. I was reading an old post of mine and I described the way I felt at the time as a pit surrounded by 4 walls and ahead of me was a dark tunnel that I couldn’t see the end of no matter how long I walked. I’m starting to see the light at the end of that tunnel.

Now, that doesn’t mean that I’m magically cured or have a sunny outlook on things all the time. What it means is that while the negative thoughts are still there I now know how to deal with them, by using one of the tenants of Buddhism called mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment and not worrying about things coming in the future. The best example I can give is one by Thich Nhat Hanh:

“While washing the dishes one should only be washing the dishes, which means that while washing the dishes one should be completely aware of the fact that one is washing the dishes. At first glance, that might seem a little silly: why put so much stress on a simple thing? But that’s precisely the point. The fact that I am standing there and washing these bowls is a wondrous reality. I’m being completely myself, following my breath, conscious of my presence, and conscious of my thoughts and actions. There’s no way I can be tossed around mindlessly like a bottle slapped here and there on the waves.”

It really does seem stupidly easy, doesn’t it? Try it. Try focusing on a single task that you’re doing. Focus on it but at the same time realize when your mind starts to wander to something else. Acknowledge that new thought and then re-focus on the task at hand. For me, this is a very difficult task because I’m so used to rushing through what I have to do to get to something that I enjoy doing. I was living my life kind of like Adam Sandler in the movie “Click”. Fast fowarding through all the mundane to get to the good. But when I didn’t have anything good to look forward to the depression took over.

Using mindfulness I now focus on what I’m doing at that moment and my mind does drift but I’m able to catch that wander, acknowledge it with no judgement (I tend to beat myself up quite a bit if I fail at something or don’t live up to my own expectations) using this method of non-judgemental acknowledgement I simply smile at the wandering thought and move back to the task at hand.

For those of you that know me you maybe thinking I’ve lost my mind. Maybe I have, or maybe I’ve become who I’m supposed to be.  I’ll write more on Buddhism later but I’ll wrap this up with another quote:

“Don’t try to use what you learn from Buddhism to become a Buddhist; use it to become a better person.” – The Dali Lama

I will write more later but with the new theme in place I wanted to get something out to let those who have been reading that I’m doing better.

“There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.” Martin Luther King Jr.

A lot of things going on around me have been weighing me down. I feel like a tipping point will be reached sooner rather than later and that decisions will have to be made, sides will have to be chosen and lines will have to be drawn.

I really, really hope I’m wrong.

The latest shooting in CT has brought to the forefront something that I’ve dealt with for years, mental health. More appropriately the stigma associated with mental health. The idea that someone is weak because they deal with depression, PTSD or any other mental health issue. I want that stigma gone so and sitting on the sidelines for most of my life hasn’t helped so if I want the game to change then I need to have some skin in it.

I want to put a warning here for those dealing with depression or any other mental related issues that what follows could be triggering..I also want to stress that what follows might be difficult for some to read.

For as long as I can remember I’ve dealt with depression and as of 6 months ago it was diagnosed as clinical depression, but I’ve exhibited symptoms for a really long time. Going back through my life I’ve had the symptoms of clinical depression as far back as 1995. I’d see the symptoms listed and I could check off every single one, then I’d close the browser window and go even deeper into depression.

I bet you’re asking yourself “why didn’t he just go to the doctor?!?!” well, I was in such a dark place that I felt like nothing anyone could do could help me. When depression takes hold it’s so difficult to even get out of bed in the morning much less say to a total stranger “hey, I need help with what goes on inside my head.” I put on a front for everyone. I spent my days acting totally normal and would be so exhausted by the effort of an entire week that I usually couldn’t get out of bed on the weekends. This turned into weeks, months and years of barely existing. I want to say that it sucked but depression, for me, is like a comfortable blanket..It’s a known feeling (or non-feeling) where I felt at home. I hate being depressed but love it at the same time…Fucked up, right?

6 months ago I was reaching a point of no return, so to speak. The thoughts of being better off … no longer in this world … were becoming stronger and stronger..To the point that I had a .45 caliber Smith and Wesson handgun on the coffee table with one round sitting beside it. I felt rundown, defeated, worthless and tired. I hadn’t slept a full night for almost 2 months leading up to that moment..One of the many bouts of insomnia that I’ve dealt with all my life. Looking at my Smith and Wesson sitting on the table I knew that I wasn’t at the point where I could take my own life but it was rapidly approaching. I don’t have a “hard” life..I have a good job, a house, 2 knucklehead cats and a group of friends that care about me but I still felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and the guilt that I described in another post was eating me alive. Those reasons played a large part in my not asking for help. Seeing that I’m fairly successful I feared that a doctor would say “Things could always be worse.” I’ve heard that so many times from so many people and I find it absolutely infuriating and condescending. I will never, ever say that to someone because that can trigger a person who was just looking at a .45 caliber handgun on the coffee table to actually put it to their head and pull the trigger. I saw my doctor and put up the “wall of happy”. I told him that I might be experiencing some of the symptoms of depression..He started asking me questions about it and that wall came crashing down and I broke down and laid it all out. He made sure that I wasn’t a danger to myself or others and then he gave me a 3 month supply of an anti-depressant called Sertraline which is the generic of Zoloft. He also gave me a list of therapists that I could talk to.

That first appointment was 5 months ago. I’ve been back twice to discuss how the meds are doing and they certainly seem to be helping. I’m not 100% and I have other issues that I’m not ready to discuss that I need to work through but I feel like the depression is “patient 0″ and that once I have that under control I can move on to tackling the other issues. One thing I told my doctor during the first appointment is that I don’t want to be on medication for the rest of my life. I absolutely hate taking a pill every day but I do it because it does help but my goal is to get this thing under control and then come off the meds to see if I can cope without them. He suggested working out which I know for a fact does help. If you look in the archives of this blog you’ll see posts documenting workouts I did. I felt really good for about a 4 month period but then something happened to trigger my depression and it took over my life again.

I’m still struggling with incorporating working out in my daily life. Like the commercials say, depression does hurt. When I’m depressed my body simply doesn’t want to function. But that’s gotten better with the meds and I’m looking at ways to get healthy. I don’t feel like doing a standard gym routine would help me. I’ve been there, done that and I did lose weight and I did feel better but it started to turn into a grind and I stopped. Now I’m focusing on goals to work towards. For example, in May of 2013 I will be doing a GoRuck Challenge with plans to do a GoRuck Selection at some point after the Challenge in 2013. I’ve found that having a goal with a tangible reward at the end makes it easier for me to train. I’m also trying the Crossfit approach instead of the standard gym route. I’m still very new at it and I’ve only had 1 class so far but it group based and it’s always changing.

Another way that I’m dealing with the depression is writing about it. The guilt post I linked earlier was my first public attempt. I turned the comments off because I felt like I could just “fire and forget” the post. That worked to degree but comments will be left on for this post and I’ll make the decision per post if comments will be on or not. My only request to those that feel compelled to leave a comment is, don’t be a dick. Disagree with me if you want but don’t be a dick.

So, this and continuing to post about something that I’ve kept to myself for so long is my little way of trying to combat the stigma of mental health in this country. I hope that in the future there is a system in place that makes people want to seek it out well before they get to such a bad place.

First, some background.

I joined the Army in the winter of 1994 on the delayed entry program. I was excited, nervous, scared of what it might entail. My Dad was in the Air Force, my Brother was in the National Guard and my mentor at the time was in the Guard as well. I want to be like them. I saw the pride in the uniform and from the stories I’d heard about all the fun and shenanigans that went on I wanted to be a part of that.

I didn’t leave for basic until the summer of 1995, after high school graduation. I still had all those same feelings but the excitement took over everything else. I pushed myself hard and was rewarded with graduation from basic as well as advanced individual training. I wanted to be a medic. I’d read books about the medics in WWII and Vietnam and wanted a chance to push myself and save others while doing it.

My first duty station was in Korea. I was going to the Mechanized Infantry. I was assigned to the 2nd Infantry Division, D Company 2bn/9th Inf Reg. and on the first day when I was introduced to the 1SGT he said that until I earned the title “Doc” he was just going to call me medic. But, I did get a cool call sign that was used over the radio..D Co was known as “Delta Death” and my call sign was “Death Medic”..Actually, pretty funny now that I think about it!

Anyway, 2 months after I was attached to D Co we were in the field moving to another area of operation for training. We got the call over the radio “Death Medic, Death Medic to the front…Rollover, Rollover!”

One of the Bradley Fighting Vehicles had rolled off an embankment and was upside down. My senior medic and I went to work and pulled the gunner and, eventually, the driver out. The track commander was out of the hatch when the rollover happened and was crushed. He didn’t make it. After calling in a medivac we were both exhausted but the mission had to go on..1SGT walked up and put his hand on my shoulder and said “Good job, Doc.” He called me Doc from that day on until I left.

After getting over the initial shock of being so far away from home I grew to love those guys like brothers. My fellow medics, the ground pounders and everyone were like brothers…We worked together, we partied together and as their medic I felt an overwhelming duty to protect each one of them. They would yell at me on road marches because I would run up and down the line checking on them and making sure everyone was hydrating and changing socks, etc at rest stops.

Fast forward to 1999. I left active duty and switch to the National Guard. I left active duty for very selfish reasons. That old saying about the grass being greener on the other side was a big part of my leaving.

Initially I didn’t feel any guilt and I was glad I was out. But as time went on I started missing that camaraderie. I tried to find it other places like my civilian job and even in my NG unit..But it just wasn’t there. I thought about going back on active duty but talked myself out of it many times.

Then 9/11 happened. I was watching when the second plane hit and like most I knew we were at war. My first thought was of the guys that I’d served with who were still in. At this point I was no longer in the national guard and had transitioned over to the ready reserve which meant I didn’t have to go to monthly drill but I still had 2 years left on my obligation. I was also working at a blood bank and I’d just gotten off on 9/12 after working close to 24 hours straight. I drove to the Army recruiter and then drove right by and went home. I’d fully intended on stopping and signing back on to fight the group responsible.

I didn’t stop in because I was exhausted and wanted to have a clear head to make such a life altering decision..I didn’t mention my thoughts of going back in to anyone..Looking back I think that was so I was only accountable to myself and if I decided not to go back in (which I ultimately did) then I wouldn’t have to explain myself to anyone.

I pushed thoughts of going back in down and didn’t think about them…Until the first guy I served with was killed in action in 2003. By that time I’d completed my obligation and had received my honorable discharge paperwork..When I heard about him I felt an overwhelming feeling of guilt for not being in the fight but once again I pushed it down and over the years I’ve lost 5 friends in Iraq and Afghanistan.

I’ve always felt guilty but kept pushing it down and telling myself that I should really go talk to the recruiter and go back in. And I did, at one point, seek out a recruiter but once I told him I was prior service he said I would need waivers for some service related medical issues to go back on active duty and then I never heard from him again..Check that, once he stopped calling I never followed back up with him.

Over the last 3 years or the guilt has become stronger and stronger. I feel like I let those guys down..I feel like I’ve let my brothers down. I know that my being there probably wouldn’t have changed the outcome..But what if I’d been able to patch them up enough for them to make it.. I feel like a failure and a coward. My life has now become a series of cookie cutter days and a lot of sleepless nights. During the week I look forward to the weekends so I can sit alone in my house and not talk to anyone.

I have addictions to things that I never thought I would have and it seems that every waking moment I’m just looking forward to the moment I can go back to sleep and not think about anything. I can’t watch anything related to military without going to a really bad place. But yet I watch a lot of military related shows … to punish myself I suppose? I feel so drained after watching those types of shows but it’s something I still do on a regular, almost daily, basis.

I don’t advertise my service because I don’t feel like I have any right to do that. On days like Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day now I simply “go dark” and I don’t talk to anyone or go anywhere..And honestly it’s not like that’s a stretch for me since I actively avoid being around people anyway.

The guilt and stress has seeped into my everyday life and now I have a hard time staying focused on the simplest of tasks that I have to do as a sysadmin. I’m wracked by fear of failure to the point that I end up doing nothing and ultimately fail to meet timelines and deadlines.

Honestly, I feel so bogged down and buried most days that I don’t know where to start digging to get out. Some days I could just pack up and disappear and never look back..But in this day and age it’s next to impossible to do that.

I’ve debated actually posting this and I think I’m going to, for now. I’m turning off comments because I’m not posting it for public comment, just to simply just to get it off my chest and hopefully find a way to move on. If that’s even possible.

Luckily this is a pretty easy problem to solve. I now have a small amount of cash for gas only and will be putting a small amount of cash in/on every vehicle I have. The bigger issue is what if there was no power to any of the gas stations? I don’t really want to get into keeping spare gas but I may find a way to put a 5gal Jerry can or something in the back of the truck. I already have one of these for each motorcycle. Time to find something similar for the truck and find a way to store is safely and securely.

One thing I remembered thinking to myself throughout Katrina was that I never, ever wanted to be in that situation again. Today’s society has become so dependent on the infrastructure that when it goes down chaos reigns. For example, take a hurricane warning. People rush out and strip all the shelves of canned food, water, beer(!), generators, batteries, plywood, etc to the point of massive lines and hours upon hours of waiting. Once the storm has passed there is another rush of people returning items such batteries, generators, and flashlights. Why? Why return something that you will rush out to buy again when the next warning, bad storm, whatever comes through?

The title of this post is “Be Prepared”. Be prepared for what? Hurricane? Massive power outage? Nuclear war? How far do you go? I struggled with that question for a while. At first I wanted to be prepared for the next hurricane or power outage. Then I started reading about “The End Of The World As We Know It” or simply TEOTWAWKI. Something like EMP blasts, complete stock market collapse, nuclear war, etc and I was completely overwhelmed. How can one prepare for everything? Simply put, you can’t unless you are rich and/or can build an underground shelter. But then the question becomes what if you get stuck away from your shelter? Or your shelter is at “ground zero” of what catastrophe has happened? What do you do then? I decided to attack the problem in 2 phases. The first 72 hours and then everything after.

The First 72 Hours

Since I work for a living chances are good that if something were to happen I would be away from the house, probably at work. But I would be close(hopefully) to my truck. I have a 72 hour bag that stays in my vehicle at all times. You might have heard of something called a “Bug Out Bag” or B.O.B. This is just a bag that has enough supplies to get you back to your home base or at least to some place safe within 72 hours of a major event. You don’t want to put the kitchen sink in this bag..This is simply enough to get you out of the immediate risk area. I’ll go over some of the supplies and my thought process behind them in the next few sections.

The B.O.B

I wanted a bag that had the smallest footprint but was comfortable to carry and could hold everything I needed it to. After a few trial and error tests I decided on the Voodoo Tactical Enhanced 3-Day Assault Pack. A couple of reasons for picking this bag. I’m familiar with the brand and everything I’ve gotten from them has been high quality. Being a former Army Medic a tough rucksack is essential. It has to hold up. Plan on the worst thing happening and you have to move out in a hurry through dense forest or over steep mountains you must have a ruck that won’t fall apart if you drop it or rip when it gets caught on something (trees, rocks, etc). It’s low-key. I looked at some of the more expensive hiking rucksacks stand out like sore thumbs. Again, think worst case. Moving through the woods keeping a low profile is rather hard to do with a bright green/blue/pink/purple pack on your back.

Fire

Chances are good that you won’t stop to build a fire but this is worst case, remember. So, the general rule of thumb is 3 ways to make fire. I didn’t waste my time with “waterproof” matches because I’ve tried them before and wasn’t impressed at all.

1. Swedish Firesteel
2. A good windproof lighter
3. Know how to make fire by rubbing 2 sticks together *and* practice, practice, practice, practice. It’s a lot harder than it looks

The Essentials (Food and Water)

I went back and forth on this question for a while. Food was pretty easy as there are several options available. I went a different route that what I would normally do. Normally I would throw a couple of MREs and call it a day. I went another route this time simply because I wanted to find out what else was out there. I picked up the 72 hour suvival kit from Wise Food Company. I’ll do a more in-depth review on that later.

Water is something I else I went back and forth on how to prepare and keep. I have plenty of bottled water but bottles take up a lot of space. I found a packaged water made by Datrex that looked interesting..Since it’s in foil packets I don’t have to worry about it going bad and it has a 5 year shelf life. Now you may have noticed that my B.O.B is hydration bladder compatible. I will have that 100oz bladder packed but empty with enough water bottles in/around my pack to fill it up. Then I can ditch the water bottles and still have a fairly decent supply of water. Since I keep stressing the worst case here I also picked up some water purification tablets. I believe in the rule of three’s so I would recommend learning how to disinfect water via boiling, using a small amount of bleach or a small amount of tincture of iodine..But be *very* careful with the bleach and iodine as they can be hazardous to you if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Miscellanous

• 100ft 550 paracord – Variety of uses such as tying up a shelter, securing a splint (be careful not to make a tourniquet).
• Canteen Cup- useful for boiling water
• Ziplock bags – Keep stuff dry
• Maps of local area – If you have occasion to use your B.O.B then chances are good that GPS is down or may be unreachable. Learn how to read a map and plot a course.Remember that straight line distance is shorter than following established routes. But the caveat is the terrain will be rougher and increase the chance of injury. Army FM 3-25.26 covers map reading and land nav. It’s a pretty dry read but very good info. As with everything so far, plot a couple of routes from your most likely locations to your home or wherever you plan on heading.
• Lensatic Compass – Learn how to use *before* you need it. The Army FM above covers how to use it. Of course any compass is better than none but this is what I’m comfortable using and therefore what I recommend.
• Survival book – The Army FM has great info but I found the SAS Survival Handbook is much more in-depth and has pics of edible plants which could come in handy. This version is also the pocket-sized version so it takes up very little space.
• Some type of fixed blade knife – This offers you a multipurpose tool you can use for cutting small branches, cutting food, and protection. I like the K-Bar knife..It keeps a good edge and can take a beating.
• First Aid Kit – Get a kit that you’re comfortable using. Usually I build my own since most off the shelf kits come with a lot junk but this kit is small and doesn’t pack any unnecessary junk.
• ChemLights – Very handy for disposable illumination.
• Water/Impact resistant flashlight – I usually make sure that the light has a push button on the end that can be half depressed for a quick blast of light. I tend to stay away from lights with a strobe function. I’ve had a few that were just too easy to activate the strobe. I recommend that you get used to moving at night without light simply because lights need batteries and batteries drain over time.
• Gloves – Gloves are a must for me. I went with Voodoo Tactical again simply because these have worked well for me. But if cost is an object a pair of leather palmed gloves from Lowe’s or Home Depot works just as well.
• ETA good stuff that Sean W added in comments Dry socks – foot health when you’re on the move is something you will have to keep a close eye on. Let’s say you work in an office and wear dress shoes, might be a good idea to add another pair of socks and a known good pair of boots into your kit. Keep your feet as dry as possible and if situation permits stop and change out of wet socks..Trench foot is a bitch!

Part 2 will cover what to stock up on at home or other safe location. It won’t be a how-to on stocking up to live for years and years but more dealing with 4-5 weeks until whatever has happened clears itself up. I’ll do another post about how to live if there’s a complete and permanent breakdown of society.

I’m going to push through it simply because I have to. I may fail, I may fall flat on my face but I think about how I was before I started on this journey 3 short months ago and I will not go back to that person..I can’t.